On Football: Every year dozens of young men are injured, sometimes seriously, when playing college football. Between bruises and concussions, not to mention the ACL’s and the AF of L and the CIO; plus the Tommy John surgery’s in addition to the Who Struck John surgery’s; America has opened the proverbial window, stuck out his head and said “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore”. Hearing this outcry, I leapt into the breach to offer a contrary approach to appease the football fans need for blood and mayhem. I say, let the college teams put their mascots where their mouth is! It’s a Saturday afternoon; the TV cameras are focused on a heavy net suspended 20 feet above the gridiron. The referee’s whistle starts play as the Adelphi University Panthers (real Panthers) race down the field to put a hurting on the Abilene Christian University Wildcats (real Wildcats). For two solid hours these magnificent beasts just claw, bite, and slash away at each other. Winning team gets pizza from Papa John!
Upscale the same approach to the NFL. Monday night football pits the Atlanta Falcons (real Falcons) against the Seattle Seahawks (real Seahawks). These birds with their beaks and claws engage in aerial combat similar to the World War II dogfights with American P 51 Mustangs and the Japanese Zeros. Halftime entertainment will feature a Falcon and a Seahawk attempting to pluck the eyeballs out of Bob Costas. What fun!!
About technology: I hear squeals of delight, or pain, or whatever physical manifestation that can cause a squeal. Listen, there’s more than one squeal; it seems there are three or four women who are excited about getting a new phone. This phenomenal Edison descendent caused people to wait in line for days for the retail phone store to open and allow the squealers to make their purchase. Now these women, and yes, there are men too, who can now devote 80 percent of their waking hours to texting, emailing, and taking selfies to send to all their friends in the hope that these friends will return their communiqués. With phones offering this many different diversions, who has time to fix dinner, help with homework, or cuddle up on the couch with your spouse or significant other. TV commercials show that people with the latest phones are smiling, laughing, and having fun with other phone enslaved people. If one looks closely, these are the same people who are smiling and laughing and having fun with other people who drink beer. The two commercials are interchangeable.
On the News: “If it bleeds, it leads.” That’s the motto that drives TV news. The bloodier the better. Let the cameras zoom in on the victim on the stretcher, while the sirens wail and the police round up suspects. The intrepid T V news reporters on the scene ask their inane questions of the clueless witnesses to the horrific or not so horrific event. There is no limit to the amount of tragedy that can happen in a single day. A convenience store holdup can sound like a crime wave of immense proportions; a small apartment fire can endanger the surrounding 6 mi.²; a murder or kidnapping can lead you to believe that you’re next. The news anchors often cite “informed sources”, and “insiders at the Pentagon” and sometimes “those closest to the Secretary of State”, intimating that you are receiving the inside skinny on any news event
Big Pharma: This just in. Pfizer Drug Corporation, manufacturers of Viagra, just announced a partnership with Scott’s Miracle Gro Company for a fertilizer that is expected to revolutionize the lawn care industry. Viagra researchers discovered that a 20% blend of Viagra and Scott’s Miracle Gro would produce grass that not only stood up stronger and longer, but might produce a plush green lawn resistant to standard lawnmowers. Toro and Craftsmen are gearing up for production changes; while calling on Briggs & Stratton to increase their engines horsepower, and demanding that mower blade manufacturers start using serrated teeth on their blade surfaces. There have been some minor setbacks. A few homeowners have noted that after four hours their grass would begin to wilt. Pfizer says not to worry, they are introducing a spray application that will rejuvenate the lawn, and that includes a two dollar off coupon on Viagra for in-home use. Talk about customer service!!
I accept all responsibility for any errors that may be perceived in the preceding text. My steel trap memory encased in a file cabinet is being serviced by a temp from the Department of Agriculture who is always on break.