The F bomb has gone too far! It’s out of place, it’s in your face, so it must be replaced. There had to be a softer and more gentle word, that could be used as an attention getter, without being totally offensive. After extensive study and research, I have found the perfect substitution. It’s been around for thousands of years; it’s universal and not gender specific. Every human is intimately aware of it. It’s time for it to come out of the closet and be presented to the public at large.
The word is shit!
When commenting to an individual who cannot seem to grasp the obvious; we say, “Does the bear shit in the woods?” We do not say “Does the Ursine defecate in the forest?” Get the picture? It makes the point without sounding like a snob. While we’re in the animal kingdom, let’s try a few more…… If someone is telling you a pack of lies, your response should be an emphatic “That’s bull shit!” It puts the bull shitter on notice that his lies are unacceptable. If this same line of misinformation continues, one must step up and say, “That’s horse shit!” That will put them in their place! When a person hears very upsetting news, causing smoke to be emitted from their ears; they may be going “ape shit” as a result of such news. Had the information been submitted in a gentler way, it may have caused a response known as “bat shit”. See the difference; same shit, smaller animal.
Dark angry clouds are on the move; clouds of misinformation and innuendo are creating a “shit storm”. As the storm gathers strength, some folks will notice that they might be in, “deep shit”. It may also be said that they are, “up shit’s creek without a paddle”. Meanwhile, back at the main office, gossip and rumors have caused the, “shit to hit the fan!” Apparently, some “shit for brains” executive was “shooting the shit” (having a conversation) with a vice president from Seattle, when the “shit came down the pike”. The executive did not want to be on the vice president’s “shit list”, because he didn’t have a PhD (piled higher and deeper).
What a local farmer was told that the bank was going to foreclose on him, his natural response was, “you’re shitting me!”. The farmer went on to say, “listen, shit bird” (another animal, sorry), if you try to take my farm, the only thing of value is that, “piece of shit tractor!”. The following day, when the sheriff came to deliver a vacate the premises decree, the farmer screamed, “Holy shit”, and said “I refuse to honor such a “Chicken shit order!” The farmer remembered his days in the Army where he had been assigned to a “shit detail”. In the mess hall at dinner, the main dish on the menu was chipped beef on toast, commonly known as “shit on a shingle”.
There you have it; my study is complete! Take this knowledge with you and enrich your conversations with your fellow man. If you folks in the back of the room could stay just a minute or two to help stack the chairs, I would really appreciate……. Where are you going? Hold on there! That’s the last time I talk to a bunch of “shit kickers”!
