It all began, not too long ago, when a teenager put his baseball cap on BACKWARDS. This young member of the acne generation was clueless, [are we surprised?] about the chaos he set in motion, by rebelling against proper baseball cap protocols. It inspired Don McLean, the poet/ songwriter, to introduce his classic hit, “The day the music died”, which caused a dark shroud to blanket American music; music that had no peer throughout the world. All the great singers, orchestras, musical comedies, and popular music, were swept away in a tsunami of noise, T-shirts, pyrotechnics, smoke, and smashed guitars that were played at a decibel level so high, rescue dogs were able to locate missing children and return them to their families. The audiences {lemmings} for these concerts, who had lost all control over their personal lives, turned to Twinkies for comfort food. Twinkies equal obesity, a topic I will cover with an essay in the near future.
SHOES, footwear that we don’t leave home without; its basic function; to protect our feet from outside elements that may cause us harm. The backward baseball cap caused a lot of our shoe buying populace to spend a major part of their income on sneakers. Reports of many young men owning as few as 40 pairs, but with some who have purchased 100 or even 200 pair of these sneakers! A lot of the blame can be traced to the NBA and the endorsements of their star players. Let’s face it, you can only wear one pair at a time. To own more than six will not be permitted once I take charge! {Surplus shoes will be shipped to needy countries}. In all fairness guys, the real shoe hoarders are the women!! Don’t try sneaking out, “Boris, lock the door!” Ladies, a lot of your shoes are still in the boxes, and may never be worn. Special occasion shoes, bridesmaid shoes, those red 5-inch heels you purchased for your date with what’s his name. Dress shoes, casual shoes, pumps, and ballerinas; plus, the slippers, moccasins, flats, loafers, and sandals; when does the madness stop?! I’ve asked Boris to release you one at a time in order to: make a Goodwill donation and seek shoe therapy. You can thank me later!
The shoe indulgence is just a tiny indicator of the “shop till you drop” attitude among consumers {baseball cap again}. Stores open seven days a week, offering a plethora of goods and services, to help us dispose of our disposable income. We shop because we’re bored with our lives, and the people around us. We no longer communicate with our family or friends. Everyone needs a sit-down, eyeball to eyeball session, with someone we love, that culminates with both parties saying those “three little words.” {I love you} This excess shopping obscenity has created another industry: storage lockers!! Fortunately, I have the solution for both problems: retail stores will only be open on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Malls and shopping centers will be closed on Sundays except for families attending the movies; neighborhood bars will remain open during the NFL season; there can be no exceptions! While you are reading this paper, all storage locker facilities are being shut down, awaiting the arrival of Salvation Army and Goodwill Industries 18 wheelers, to pick up anything useful from these facilities. Upon completion of this locker liberation, the areas will be torn down and revitalized as children’s play areas and/or neighborhood parks.
I’m leaving Chuck Norris in charge!!
PS: How about replacing Thanksgiving Turkey with spaghetti carbonara?