The Land O Lakes people have offered to sponsor me in the annual Wisconsin Butter Sculpture Festival. My entry would be an interpretation of Rodin’s The Thinker; except that my Butter Thinker would be sitting to Plato’s left, fielding questions from the Oleo Consortium (troublemakers). They would be arguing about which spread is the easiest to work with. You must understand, the oleo artists are strictly white bread, untoasted people. By contrast, the Butter Masters only work with the classic breads i.e. pumpernickel, rye, bagels, and on and on. Final Score: Land O Lakes 10, Parkay zero. Case closed.
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My name is George Midas and I teach Advanced Alchemy at Goldenrod Community College in the town of Struckitrich, Colorado. My students are largely fast track PhD’s, seeking to make a few extra bucks to pay for their books. Intro students will experiment with Budweiser beer cans and Campbell’s chicken soup tins, while the more advanced will visit steel foundries and beg for scraps of iron. Isn’t it wonderful to be tenured? What the hell, if the gold job doesn’t pan out, I plan to start a franchise selling snow tires in Havana; no extradition!
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Zoo News! The Houston Texas zoo proudly announced the birth of a giraffe on September 3 this year. The little fellow weighed in at 170 pounds, and stood 6 feet tall. The mother was obviously exhausted; the father refused to make any comment, revealing that he must’ve been drunk at the time.
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I’ve noticed on many consumer products, two words that say “new and improved”, but they don’t explain what’s new or improved besides the label itself. The manufacturers, who enjoy manipulating the slow witted consumer, assumes the person pushing the shopping cart, will buy the product without knowing what is new, and what has been improved. They are absolutely right! We will buy the product without question because we’ve been told, it’s new and improved. Wow!
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America seems to trust the network reporters. We believe that Shepard Smith, Katie Couric, et al. are giving us the straight scoop, because of the reliable sources that feed them the information at news time. Some examples: 1, Insiders at the Pentagon, State Department, the White House, just to name a few. 2, Informed sources. 3, The blonde in the Oval Office. 4, My Cousin Vinny in Georgetown. All of these “sources” must pass an integrity exam administered by Bill O’Reilly. Remember, where news is concerned, the motto is, “If it bleeds, it leads”, therefore the story will be on the 6 o’clock news. In order to qualify for a 6 o’clock inclusion the story must contain: a raging fire; a school or theater shooting; domestic violence, and/or loss of life or limb. TV stations also find it necessary to have an ace reporter on the scene asking victims how they feel. From time to time, the local station will use an affiliate in another city, and refer to them as their “sister” station. It would be wise to make note that there are no “brother” stations; nor are there “uncles, nieces, or stepchild stations” I need explanations!
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On a lighter note, here’s a suggestion to enhance your next dining experience in a Chinese restaurant. When its fortune cookie time, have each diner recite their fortune, and add the suffix “without no pants on.” It’ll make you feel warm and fuzzy all over!