Thousands of years ago, when Alexander the Great invented the first library, and hired Admiral Dewey to invent the decimal system in order to fine people for overdue books, everyone rejoiced because we finally had enough shelf space for the works of Stephen King. As great as Alex was, he could not foresee the advent of electronic books; in other words the Advent Kindle. He would turn 50 Shades of Gray if he observed the population reading spineless electronic book forms. In the early days of Homo erectus man, a giant thesaurus would roam the countryside, spouting out words (grunts) that sounded alike. Over the millennia these words (grunts) became refined, were strung together into sentences, which, when spoken, had subtle British overtones.
In order to make a lot of time pass quickly, we melted the Iron Age, covered it in Copper, and made a Bronze ashtray. It was this Heavy Metal influence that caused bands of scholars to begin introducing verbs, thereby causing friction between the vowels and consonants, and sparking a 2000-year ban on alphabet soup. It was difficult to teach cursive to knuckle draggers, so the whole writing thingy was setback for two weeks. 300 years later, after a lot of pressure from the NFL, the case was made for uppercase letters on football jerseys. Governments around the world adopted the lowercase letters (cheaper?), citing the ability to write gibberish on a grand scale. It came as a package deal; 85 assorted letters for $4.50, or the maxi-pak containing 344 letters, some punctuation symbols, plus a backspace key for $11.95.
A thought to ponder: when someone asks for a thumbnail sketch, is it because the other four digits can’t draw as well, or how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? (Just imagine the tiny choreographers). Questions like this have caused man to scratch his head, and other body parts as well, in search of answers. It all started back when Col. Sanders was just a corporal; if corporal punishment is severe, how harsh can Sargent’s punishment be? Why did we assign military ranking to ordinary life? For instance, two people having a Private conversation; Captains of industry; having a Major influence; a Colonel of corn (oops); affecting the General public. Makes a fellow want to salute!
Our alphabet, which is only 26 letters, at first glance would seem incorruptible; but bear in mind there is a dark force lurking somewhere between the A and Z. Explain to me how flo, glo, and slo were forced to take on a W, because neither the sound nor meaning changed. Rumors abound, blaming the Habsburgs, or the Borgia’s and possibly Fox news. Atty. Gen. Eric Holder is investigating; including this violation with improper use of slang. Those arrested would be charged with vernacular manslaughter. Holder’s agents in the field will carry the latest government handbook, “Idioms for Idiots” while searching for these miscreants.
In a related issue, the government will implement a new literacy movement with the slogan, “read a book?” along the same lines of “got milk?” In a totally different vein, the American Medical Association has yielded to the powerful physician’s lobby and will allow doctors to sell commercial space on their lab coats, citing as precedent the racecar drivers. The placement of these patches, advertising certain drugs, would decorate the white jackets. The highest rates would prevail, for the front of the lab coat above the pockets. The doctors say this step is necessary to offset the rising cost of vacations.