The concept of creating an Ireland in Oregon was hatched during a recent tour of the Emerald Isle. I was so enchanted with the people, the zillion shades of green, the music, the pubs, and of course, the Guinness. The land of shamrocks had captured my heart and soul, and germinated the idea, albeit a far-fetched one, of creating an Ireland in the United States of America! I spoke to a lot of Americans visiting in Ireland, and a lot of Americans who have been there. They agreed with me that the idea of having an Ireland in America had some merit. Some of them turned and walked away at a very brisk pace.
To ease your mind, allow me to offer my educational background, which qualifies me to undertake a transplant theme of this magnitude. I have a PhD in fine arts, with a minor in country relocation. (We can discuss my qualifications at length during the coffee break) Before you ask, I’ve had a drug test, and was declared free of any hallucinogens, or any other kind of mind-altering substances.
First step: locate an area with a similar climate, i.e. temperature, rainfall, the possibility of rainbows, etc. Topographically it would require a major exposure to the sea, rolling hills, and lush green forests. The choice of Oregon was a no-brainer and the addition of Ireland within its borders would help remove the question mark next to its name in the Atlas publications.
All right, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Oregon has 97,052 mi.² with a major Pacific Ocean exposure. Ireland has 32,595 mi.², so that means we must take roughly 1/3 of Oregon to squeeze in the new Emerald Isle location. Let’s put Ireland’s in size in perspective; you can fit 13 Ireland’s into the state of Texas! The new Irish homeland with their ancient relationship with the sea, would require roughly 1/3 of Oregon’s seacoast. Please calm down and take your seats! I’m sure once the lecture is completed, all your fears will have been reconciled! Thank you, and may I remind you again of the dangers of carrying concealed weapons!
Oregon has 129 lakes (lochs) located throughout the rolling countryside. Ireland, by contrast, has 9386 pubs. I’m not sure what one number has to do with the other, but in a contest, it’s obvious to me that the pubs would win hands down. It’s been said that driving Ireland’s roads, if one could call them roads, promised around every turn; a Vista, a picture postcard, a moment of beauty, and a panorama of nature that defies description.
Ireland is a country with very few cities, but many small towns. To maintain this village culture that is so unique to Ireland and its people, strict guidelines will have to be established and rigidly enforced. THERE CAN BE NO, POSITIVELY NO skyscrapers, big box stores, hotel chains, food chains, or fast food of any kind!! All retail business will be owned and operated by the Irish. Tourism, a major industry in Ireland, will be controlled at the onset, to avoid the appearance of an Irish Theme Park. The first settlers in this new country would be men, women, and children of all ages; of Irish descent, and chosen by a National Lottery. There would be full employment, thus eliminating the male population from living on the dole.
Some welcome changes would be incorporated in the American version of Ireland. Roads would be expanded by 6 feet; right-hand drive vehicles would give way to theirleft-hand drive cousins. Drivers would drive on the right-hand side of the road as their American counterparts do; roundabouts would be retained as part of the driving experience.
One final caveat: the Guinness people must build a brewery in the New Ireland that distributes the exact same beer as one would find in the old Ireland. Unless this condition is met, the entire country transfer will be abandoned!!
Erin Go Bragh!!
