On 25 April, the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health), awarded a grant of $80,000 for a study to determine if mice (rats) stuttered! This brief announcement, without details, allowed my imagination to run amok! Imagine, 50 laboratory workers taking home a mouse and a tape recorder in order to listen for speech impediments. This diligent lab researcher would make copious notes about Leroy’s (the rat) mumblings; put the notes in order, and make a presentation (hopefully without laughing) to his fellow researchers. If, at the end of the study, it was determined that mice do stutter; what then?
Here’s my theory: speech therapists would join the study (you gotta trust me on this), to work one on one, or groups of five, in an effort to elevate their little speech patterns. The mice with cleft palate would require a surgical procedure (underwritten by the N.I.H.), followed by an extensive convalescence for recovery. The study would be announced as a tremendous medical breakthrough from humans to the animal kingdom.
The general public was not aware that mice and rats, were members of a powerful union; the A.F.of R. (American Federation of Rodents), under the leadership of Al Sharpton. The rank-and-file (are you still with me?) was protesting strongly about the use of “you dirty rat” as a human euphemism for a despicable character. Furthermore, they plan a class action lawsuit against Disney Studios, Warner Bros., Pixar and Mel Blanc in the amount of $5 million for defamation of character.
If the court rules in favor of the A.F. of R., the monies would be used to set up rat soup kitchens in all the major cities. These kitchens would nourish the low end rat, i.e. the ghetto rats; the cellar dwellers, and the sewer inhabitants. The program would raise their dignity level, and allow them to assume a proper role as a pest in society. Yearly physicals would be encouraged, and dental students would check for overbite issues. (It’s almost over; hang in there) The A.F. of R. has raised the bar for rodent achievement: the leadership is in negotiations with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to adopt them as a team name i.e. the Minnesota Mice. No response so far. The next big mice thing: total artistic and distribution control of a mouse reality show! “Dancing with the Mice”
Where’s my DECON?