The judge called for quiet in the courtroom. My attorney cautioned me not to say anything (I’m the plaintiff). He further instructed the defendant (that’s also me) to remain mute. Confusing? Not at all; let me explain. I am suing me for plagiarism! It’s a pity that this minor violation should cause such a furor in the worldwide publishing industry; but it’s time for serious authors to take a stand. My attorney, Abner Doubleday, during his opening statements, is informing the jury, and the court at large, about previous literary cases that have aroused judicial interest. In Hemingway versus Falkner, was it really necessary to call a professional urologist to expound on the overuse of the colon? In a landmark decision in 1989, it was ruled that Stephen King and only Stephen King, would be limited to four metaphors per paragraph of 60 words or less. Abner had his moments, but alas, he had too few of them. For any future legal matters, I would need a bigger shark. I engaged the services of Ms. Prudence Juris, who once sued Random House for double parking their limo at the public library.
As plaintiff, I was demanding a cease and desist order against me for using a previouse phrase of mine. The so-called offending words, (in brackets) were, [She size because the boots were the wrong sighs]. I’m sure the jury will agree with me, that the words amount to: no harm – no fowl. I am discussing a settlement with me in the amount of $7.50. Being respectful of the courts time, we’d like to clear the court’s docket for more serious cases. A hearing has been scheduled in 30 days to determine whether or not the period is a sentence stopper or just a black dot. If the Supremes declare it to be just a black dot, all hell is going to break loose around the world. A sentence would begin on page 1 and continue on through page 365; imagine a Stephen King 900 page opus’s !
A solitary member of the Pulitzer Prize committee has invited me for an interview next Wednesday. I suppose the reasoning for just one member is the fact that my book has only one page. The ultimate short story! Published by Simon and Schuster, it was distributed worldwide in late April, reaping kudos from all the critics who count. “I speed read it in two seconds!” “A real page turner, ha-ha.” “This hardcover book proves to me that good literature is on the rise”. “This classic should make Oprah’s list.” Says The New York Times. “Can’t wait for the movie!” Kirkus reviews.
Camera rolls in on a perspiring Gutenberg at his press. “These Bibles take forever to crank out; I’m praying for a one-page wonder.” Time passes, and we catch a close up of Tom Cruise (Spielberg’s choice, not mine) passing out copies of my book to inner-city youth. The message of the film is simple, but profound: how one book containing one-page could change the world. I’ve engaged Morgan Freeman as my orator to speak on my behalf in public appearances across the globe. The TV series with Tom Selleck is still up in the air. Whew! I need a nap.