I heard a radio commercial the other day that proclaimed “Ford F1 50 truck with all the bells and whistles was offered at $15,000 off the MSRP!” Wow! That’s a hellava discount! Could it be real? At that price, the trucks will sell out in no time!
I spotted a roll of paper towels on the supermarket shelf that looked rather ordinary with other rolls the same size. The one that caught my eye was labeled Mega Roll which implied that it was larger. I purchased the Mega, convinced in my consumer heart, that somehow there would be additional towels hidden somewhere within the roll. Would they lie?
While pondering the mysteries of the truck and the towels, my inquiring mind took a quantum leap into the theory of a parallel universe. With so many millions of stars and planets out in the great cosmos, there must be a parallel Earth. This distant other Earth would have a Donald Trump, a Tom Brady, a Meryl Streep and of course, me, Don Ware. My other Earth double would be 5’11” (I always wanted to be taller) with a great personality. He would be sales manager at a Ford dealership who specialized in sales of the Ford F1 50. Scientists are ecstatic about the possibility of finding water on Mars; I’m concerned about them finding slot machines on Venus!
Why do we shop? I believe it’s because we’re bored. We can’t wait to dispose of our disposable income. What we purchased last week has already become stale. It’s Sunday, and the entire family is itching to go shopping. Dad wants a six sleeper tent in case they go camping; mom wants a brand-new six speed blender(her present one only has five); 15-year-old Kelli has found a sale on “distressed” jeans, the front legs slashed from side to side for only $179 a pair. 14-year-old Bradley, the surly one, has found a new wargame called, “Stack the Bodies in a Neat Pile”. The game carries the Chuck Norris Seal of Approval which indicates the correct amount of blood spurts per minute. The door to Bradley’s room is marked PRIVATE; he needs time and privacy to develop his new pipe bomb. Mom slips his meals under the door.
Interesting footnote: even with reduced store hours, Sunday is the busiest shopping day of the week. What’s the next step? The obvious answer is: SHOPPING 24 HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, 365 days a year!! The orders have come down from Mount Walmart, that effective now and lasting forever: All retail stores, regardless of size, shall remain open all the time, no excuses, and no exceptions. The only two holidays of the year will be the birthdays of Dick Cheney and Sam Walton, when stores will close from midnight till 4 AM. Since the majority of customers will be white-collar workers, the major retailers will extend free trucks to the big purchase customers that will transport their treasures directly to their storage lockers. For the handicapped, or those too lazy to get out of their own way, Internet orders will be droned to their doorstep.
Small specialty shops i.e. tattoo parlors will have to hustle to survive. One enterprising artist linked up with a local bar to have a “Six Drink, Free Ink.” promotion. They hope to attract the Armani suit crowd by offering extra-long chains for their wallets with the purchase of a nose piercing.
BUY! BYE!
