That’s what my mom said when I asked her about my name. She wanted a name that would command attention; a name that would turn heads when it was spoken. Her best intentions have sentenced me to a lifetime spelling bee. My name is Macs, not Max, as should be the case, so it’s a daily challenge of politely correcting everyone who thinks my name is Max. “It was my mom’s idea”, I explained to anyone who would listen.
The name does indeed, get attention and, it turns heads. These heads are accompanied by strange glances, full of curiosity, as to why my mother would saddle me with such a moniker. The facial expressions, when I reveal my name, all say the same thing. “You poor shmuck; your mother must have been really pissed when you were born.” When people see my written name on an application or a hotel registry, I get that same weird look. They’re trying to suppress a grin, or a smirk, and they try to avoid eye contact altogether.
Thanks mom!! I’ve had it up to here! My brother’s name is Michael and my sister is Susan! My name is Macs ?!?!??
Announcement! Attention moms (and some dads), this madness has to stop! Those special names aren’t special. The challenges of life are tough enough without having to explain your name. “My name is Tracy with an i, or two ee’s, or ie.” “My name is John without the h.” “That’s Don with two nn’s.” “Mine’s Kay with an e,” “Laura or Lora.” And finally, Doris or Doress; just to cite a few examples.
Spelling is only half the problem; the bigger issue is the name itself. Please tell me what the parents were drinking or inhaling when they chose Stone, as the name for their newborn son. Were they seeing a future career as a mason, or better yet, the owner of a gravel pit? Another set of parents seriously considered other options, and still decided to name their boy, Chase. Mistakes like this are being made on a daily basis. Through no fault of their own, these young men will have to spend a lifetime explaining why his parents named him, Trace, Branch, or Brace.
It’s a sad commentary, but the girls have suffered equally as bad, when parents bestowed their lifetime appellations. How cute is it to be called Brandi(y), Angel, Candy(i), or Precious? Enough saccharine, already!! What’s wrong with names like Mary, Shirley, Rita, or Jennifer? All classics that have stood the test of time. (Would you name your daughter, Harris?)
Order must be restored! These children have been sentenced to a lifetime of driving cross-country with the left blinker on. I say, no more! We’ll start slowly and take care of some old mistakes; for instance, Kathy; C, or K. Make a decision people; we can’t have it both ways!
This whole name boondoggle will require a full investigation. Perhaps get the Attorney General Eric Hol…, what’s that? You’re kidding! Scratch that idea. Call Dr. Phil; never mind, I’ll take care of it myself. Here’s a quick and easy solution: Every hospital will have a list of names (of which I will have approved) from which parents can select a proper title for their child.
It’s the least I can do; I expect no reward for this service.
