Eyewitness News at Six [or Seven or….
by Don Ware
TV news programs, like any other TV program, are competing for viewership. Armed with this knowledge, TV news producers have devised a formula to grab its viewers by the ears, sit them down, and enthrall them for 30 minutes! With a dramatic musical intro, the program offers news, weather, traffic, and sports in a show business venue.
First, the news. {Remember the motto, if it bleeds, it leads} The first news story will be either, a raging fire, a horrific car pileup, a bank holdup/hostage situation, a child mauled by a bear, or a machete attack at a Dunkin’ Donuts. I would guarantee that at least one of these items would be the major news lead at every major city in America. If the incident was recorded on film; all the better, because now it may go viral! Now, a soft segue into:
Weather! The news anchor chides the weather person about, “When will all the (pick one) rain, snow, flooding, sweltering/frigid temperatures change?” The weather person points with a baton to her huge weather map, displaying animated lightning bolts, suns, clouds, rain that help her/him give out the final forecast. It’s either “Get all the livestock and kids into the root cellar,” or “Take the family on a picnic!” After that forecast, Mr. Doom and Gloom/Ms. Sunshine will sidle up to the anchor desk for some lighthearted chitchat, while everyone waits for:
The Traffic Report! Barbara Backedup approaches the green screen wall that displays all the major highway systems around the city. “I honestly believe they use the same film every day.” Barbara calls our attention to a jackknifed 18 wheeler on 459, that’s causing a backup from Dallas to Tulsa. I cannot help but wonder, what is the purpose of a traffic report? Is it of any value to the poor schmuks who are sitting in this traffic? Does it benefit the viewer who is watching it at home? The answer is no. In the great scheme of things, traffic wise, who gives a rat’s ass? Why don’t they drop traffic reports, and donate those 10 wasted minutes to more (Are you ready?) Sports!
The sports guy’s name is (pick one) Chuck, Biff, Archie, and he’s our guy on the inside of all things sport. He’s either at the training camp, dressing room, or the commissioner’s office; interviewing stars, or has-beens, managers or rookies, in order to keep us better informed. From the Sugar Bowl, to the Super Bowl, or the toilet bowl, our dedicated sportscasters keep us, in the loop, on the bench, or in the dugout. After the sports report, there is more light banter at the anchor desk, which is the program’s way of killing time until: the human interest story……..
“This is precious, you’re gonna love it!” Our reporter, Tess Trueheart has been following this story for quite some time. Two years ago, little Timmy Sweetcheeks was given a baby tiger cub for a pet. They were separated for a time, but now they are to be reunited!! Our camera crew was on hand, and captured this amazing reunion. Just imagine, a three-year-old boy, and a two-year-old tiger! The tiger appears to be overcome by emotion; he’s rushing toward Timmy! Somebody grab Timmy!! Kill the camera, stupid!! Back to you in the studio.
There you have it; the formula for 6 o’clock news programs all over America. Just follow these guidelines, and you’ll keep the sponsors happy. {”Hey Bernie, we can use that tiger story as a lead for the 11 o’clock segment. It’s got everything! Whacha think?”
Where have you gone Walter Cronkite?
